Life

Never truly happy with the way things go How far I have come in this continuous show Everything happening with a pace too slow. Somewhere inside is a will to survive Internal dialogue and relentless strive I have tried and tried And now its a simple fact I depend on no one but myself And then it comes to me in a haze of calm Stop trying so hard and it will come. Somewhere deep inside is the will to survive Internal dialogue and relentless strive

The attic was dusty and damp. A spider scuttled across the floor and over objects that hadn't been touched for years. Fingers moved over an abandoned book and to the edge of a picture frame. A horde of beauty had been left to decay. A burst of light encompassed the oldness wrapping it in a surreal newness. She resisted pulling the curtains open in fear of the house's owner realising she had ventured into forbidden territory. The door squeaked open and she hid further behind the chest of drawers hoping her intrusion would go unnoticed. She had overlooked one small detail..she may have been careful in replacing what she had moved but.. one thing was about to give her away ..the damp dusty equilibrium of the attic had just been disturbed by the fragrance of her perfume....

Another cross road and positivity on my side This time lets take things slow and leave regret behind.

I have come to the conclusion and found a cure ..for a disease I really thought I could never have! I laughed at those old romantics and bolly inspired rings in wine glasses Made sure I aaw'ed and um'd but wasnt truly affected I have come to realise something sincerely divine ..something laughable almost -a joke of a nervous kind It is a self confession-a cleansing of the soul I am kind of worried of what people may think -but this public cleansing is surely the missing link It hasnt happened as yet -that thing called love and now I have figured out the root cause of it all I am in love with love (hehe!) Absurd I know--she is surely a fool-how can one be in love with an emotion? An emotion you see has put me into a spin -a kind of perpetual motion ..that has decided to take hold I am constantly in love with love itself..the romance of it all -makes my head spin Flowers and leaves in the rain -a gesture of forgiveness -without feeling ones own pain! I have come to realise -I don...

A ray of light erupting over the sea The darkness melting rapidly As she watches this transformation it seems A new beginning is breaking through Calling her to the other side Where beginnings begin and endings are deliberately forgotten Where time takes you forward rather than leaving you behind At random intervals a sea gull coos A speck of light tranforms into a million The darkness fades and replaces the old The new beginning continues to unfold It brings with it a tale untold Laughter and endless chatter Light the better half of the day It breaks through and decides to stay.

We don't speak as often as we used to..but when we do speak -the conversation can continue for hours. As a conversation once summed it up: Q: You are still not over her? A:I never tried to get over her. We're not friends but we pretend to be. Is a wonder as to how long we will choose to fool ourselves? Sometimes when we talk -in the feelings of yesterday -what could have been echoes... But then when the phone tone dies and the receiver is propped back in its place ..it doesn’t really matter anymore..it doesn't change what we have done or decided to do. It doesn’t matter if the decision was one sided -and the other person just chose to follow. We are growing old in a silent companionship. We speak of our wants and desires but we don’t expect anything from one another. It is almost as if we're waiting for life to move us apart. You with someone else and I with someone else. It may take some getting used to..but it will be the right thing to do. Then, we will go our separa...

I am often asked if these blogs reflect my life as it is. The simple answer is -No. Each blog has a life of its own. It begins somewhere in the depths of my mind -long before it is shared. Each piece is then written and re-written until the language is somewhat acceptable! Each story has its own history. It may be linked to a person I met once -who gave me a glimpse into their life through their conversation ..something about them ..anything could conjure up a whole imaginary piece--the final extract could be completely unrelated to them..but when I started it ..it was solely inspired by them. A friend recently said ...should you be sharing a post like " What I am looking for" with the world..does this not reveal a bit to much...are you not making yourself vulnerable? In short ..yes and no. . The blog yes had somewhat to do with my idealisms but also brought forward -expectations..and perhaps general ideas other woman around me have. So ...Does it make me vulnerable? Only to...

It hits you at the oddest of times At the shopping centre or speaking to a friend When life is trudging along smoothly and you are quite content It comes out of nowhere ..suddenly settling like a mist It sprays over my being and is inhaled like a breath Sometimes I ignore it and carry on Other times it knocks continuously It knocks and connects ..with the soul At that precise moment in time I have no control ..I have started missing you all over again.

Another Ramzaan nears its end and the mind boggles ... Have I prayed enough?..Have I asked Allah to forgive me enough times to last me through the year? This blessed month will end and I will return to the usual being much too busy for "self preserving pure devotion".After all ..all my duas are selfish..for myself, my family ..my world..my existance. Multiple...hundreds of dua's gather in my head...almost not reaching my lips..they swirl around and gather momentum..they build up such a pressure ..that I break down. The dua's overwhelm ..and burst through a dam of insecurity.I surrender ..I fall and I raise my hands to the sky..to the unseen..to the invisible power that generously grants me my every breath... I request..I pray and I wonder..why wasn't this dua answered..what did I do ..or what could I have done...to make it happen for me. I foolishly think I had something to do with it ...with my limited human capacity! I have nothing. No control , no direction, no...

What is left it seems-A distant dream. Is this the way I chose or the path that was chosen for me. Turns and twists -the direction still unclear I am a collection of my wrong and right I wonder if we should have known Where we stand today ..individually -alone Our choices were fair..we were just.. but happiness was in this decision lost.. What made sense then ..doesnt apply now. A cloud of dust again surrounds. Sometimes I wonder what could have been then dawn breaks and its another day The brightness engulfs and I rejoice I listen and I question my mind continues its journey. It wont rest. It never has..it will contine ..until its last breath.

It tempts and it excites-fascination -wets my appetite...maybe this time the puzzles pieces will be fitting right... At another door. It opens..slightly ajar...a vision impaired...take a minute..even two... and decide. Once decided don't regret. ... Acceptance is key...we are indebted to the people who have wronged us.. for they make us stronger. The wonderous ways of life...when everything is right --but that one thing complicates... Contemplate the opportunities we cease to explore in the light of our own decisions.... Failure isnt strong enough to hold you back. It has experience and learning to compete with...The future is your decision -break the boundaries and forsake expectations.

Who is right and who is wrong Endless questions from both sides The interest lessening -efforts dwindling and time running fast How much longer is this going to last.. These meetings are ongoing ..from them-nothing to show Such a long process with no conclusion in sight.. The excitement of something to come dwindling with the rapidly disseapearing light.. How much longer -this testing of patience How much longer am I to be taught these lessons A candle burning on both sides -a strange internal battle With each day a hesitation is beginning to grow Somewhere inside the cracks are starting to show Age and wisdom that were once best friends ..now wage an ugly war

I dont quite remember when it started.. through a trecherous desert or a deep thick forest.. my imagination fully giving me direction.. The mind has grown leaps and bounds --its not contained but only found Distant memories come to haunt and in their wake I long to walk Nowhere is here and where is nowhere to be found A deep instilled belief of whats right and wrong Finding my way through the grey Making sure I felt with my hands and tasted with my lips this very life and its tantalising gifts Not judging -no more of that emotion wasting stuff No this time the journey has only begun Come join me -lets have some fun A freedom that was missing is heading my way the distant future is my every new day This positivity that has engulfed my senses --I want to hold on to it..so very tight...loosening my fingers just a little you know.,...to let it breathe.. Unclasp my hand? I couldn't ..no... I dont want to to lose this feeling by letting it go..

The appreciation of what I have.. over what I don't Wanting more and wanting less..letting my wants for a moment.. rest A wandering mind -knowing not whats best.. Even after the candles fully burnt..the story is only half told A tale of tomorrow and of what is to come..so many words..still not enough for the story to fully unfold. A narrow escape ..a thunderous night..so much to imagine in just one night Dream of stories that start from a thought continue and create a world never seen before follow me on this journey of dragons, witches and magical spells lets start from the beginning and spin us a web A web of intrigue --of so much that could happen These words ...written...writing...forming..pronouncing each beautiful word..this amazing gift of letters and words..language.... This may just be the best of me -the best of what I have shared with you yet..listen, read and hear what I say..for I only have today..what I write today I wont repeat tomorrow but if you read on...then you ...

The weather was prefect..the clouds overhead were drenched by the sun . A crisp wind blew through her hair and enveloped her in a warm glow of calm. What more could she ask for. A lazy summer afternoon with a book by her side. Far off church bells chimed indicating the time but today on this day -time had little relevance. The whole day was hers to dream away. To dream of a sea somewhere in a far off land with exotic sand covered beaches, fresh fish dinners with coconut water ... Hmm the dream of things to come. Water droplets on a window gathering in a pool at the bottom of the window sill. A drifting thought of meeting someone with the same thoughts. The same interests and the same definition of decency. Common values matching and things falling into place...simply ..naturally..effortlessly..breathing deeply ...fresh air...returning to the sunny day. Book in hand..she turned another page and the dream began again...

If I write my mind and free my soul -will my life be easier? If I follow the path and question less-will my life be easier? If I spoon feed my next generation-will accepting their heritage be easier? If I say what you want to hear -will my life be easier? If I question nothing -will my life be easier? If I pray more and complain less -will my life be easier? If I become wiser with reading and experience-will my life be easier? Am I making an easy life complicated or a complicated life in fact easier? If I can't be anything but me and am true to myself -why is life not easier? The truth is -why make a challenge easier -once the excitment is lost -what is left but a hollow shell?I cannot change myself and think less. These are and will always be the words freed from the depths of an overly active mind.

How does one get to the point of deciding the right direction? When two people meet, are introduced or whatever the wonderful situation is that leads to them finally meeting -why is it so difficult to reach a mutual decision of where this meeting will go next? Okay we all have our different commitments ..but a wise person once said to me -" If he likes you enough -you'll know and he won't be hiding it" And for the most part I would agree with this. So here is the dilema. Why does he always say "How can a girl like you be single".." I can't see you ever having had a lack of interest" .Thank you kind sir but while this is all wonderfully generous of you and charming to hear -it does nothing for me ... What is an interest, a liking, an admiration and in turn a commitment if it isn't long lasting? Don't tell me you like me and then shrink away as soon as the going gets tough.None of us really have a problem attracting people. Attraction is...

His hands entirely covering hers -the perfect fit A gentle whisper -the timeless parting gift

To those of you who have read the first part of this -I hope you enjoy this as much..if not I definitely want to know :) Her hand was a few centimeters from his resting on the rail. An announcement overhead voiced her flight was ready for check in. She was looking down not wanting to move and not wanting to stay. Deep in thought..she wanted him to say something..anything. His head hung low,moving occasionally to scan the clock on the wall but otherwise he was still. His mouth tight in concentration . He seemed to be making a conscious effort not to look at her. She was desperately trying not to stare at him and continued to memorise the curves of his face. Two years on and he was still the most handsome face she had ever known.His silent confidence still hypnotised. She remembered a time when his every movement was alive. His passion for living in the moment was unparallelled to anything she had ever known. She lived in constant awe and want of him. Unlike others he didn't settl...

Her hand was a few centimeters from his resting on the rail. An announcement overhead voiced her flight was ready for check in. She was looking down not wanting to move and not wanting to stay. Deep in thought..she seemed to be waiting for him to speak first... People surrounded them in the chaos of the airport. For him the silence was deafening. He couldn't hear anything but the clock on the wall and the occasional overhead announcements. Time was slipping away. .. He wanted to tell her she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He wanted to shout it to the world.He wanted to stop time. Board the next plane to No-mans land -where he would never have to see anyone else but her. He wanted a world with her-A separate existence ..just him and her-no one else. ..it would have been incomparable. His hand brushed hers and he finally made eye contact. "Can you forgive me?" A clumsy embrace followed and he could tell she had been crying. His heart sank..She whispered in h...

A little conversation enveloped in just the right emotion.Is surprising how much you can say with your eyes....not needing words...Your intensity, your values , your mind, everything about you-is just right. The perfect combination.Let me stop-and believe.... I was stuck in a rut not moving forward or going back..stagnant with nowhere to go. Then something changed. You came, you waited and you waited. Sometimes I wondered how you did it.The odds were against you -I was against you ..but you showed me something I have only come across in glimpses..never in such intensity . You believed in me , respected me and were not afraid to show it. Today in my humble opinion I would like to appreciate you and tell you this. You are greatly valued - more than anyone else, what you say and what you do is held is great esteem-and from now on will be -always. I need to say Thank you for sticking by me, through thick and thin and valuing me even when I didnt believe in myself. Such faith is rare indeed...

Life - So many amazing experiences all in your name. Happiness and sadness -such a partnership of the contrary. What will be heading my way next?! Imagination -the icing on the cake. It brings a wonderfully exotic twist to life. It makes the weak stronger and the stronger super human. Let my imagination grow with your uncertainty. Continue to amaze me -my wonderful life.

Goodbye . Lets leave it at that. Please don't call me and if you do I won't call back. Hehe does that make me sound evil or capable of moving on when I need to? I don't get this sometimes here and sometimes dissapearing behaviour. My life is too short to move in time with your decisions. My decisions are my own as is my direction. You were given a chance to make it truly yours. An opportunity to grow and explore. You had your time -now please move on-let me go and even if you dont -you know I'll be gone. This sounds harsh but is actually so much more. Its direct and straight from the heart. I wish for you endless happiness -you didnt bring me any but you gave me dreams -even for a little while. The dreams of what could be -even though it wasn't meant to be.What isn't meant to be -was never mine and it wasn't yours. It was ours -for a moment - but this time -right now -the moment is mine -please leave -Goodbye.

My need to explore and gain, to understand and learn. My need to wonder and question and to know I cannot change what is to come My need to discover and tempt fate My need to be kept on my toes My need to desire but be appreciative of less My need to accept and not repeat mistakes My need to know that when one door closes a multitude of others open My need to focus on the positive My need to respect and recognise My need to praise more generously My need to end the bitterness My need for once to forgive myself My need to find someone and know My need to converse and be heard My need to cry and not be seen My need to be saved once in a while My need to think and contemplate. My need to hear and you to show My need to just let go..

How can it be easy to take a life?The image of metal tearing through flesh, blood and bone. A planned attack on a man with a family. Is there any value of human life anymore?Only the direct family can truly comprehend their loss. As an outsider we will return to our lives but they have to live with the pain -a loss so unexpected and void of human feeling that it sends a chill down the spine. It shakes you to your very core and makes you realise how much of life we waste in things that just dont matter. This helplessness is so deep it cuts through you. Cuts continously like a wound that will not heal. I feel for the direct family as they will suffer the most. The mere news of the situation effects the reader -so what the family is going through is incomprehensible. Where does one begin the journey of recovery from such an event?It is times like these that make you realise who your real friends are..they will do the simple things like ask if you are okay and who the person that has passe...

I want one but not without the other. Life and its binding elements of religion, traditions and finance. I want one but not without the other. I want to be independant but dependant.How does that work? In my mind its crystal clear but I cannot explain it. How do I find what I am looking for without letting superficiality get the better of me.When I know its superficial yet so important? How do I make myself more human and less robotic. I want one but not without the other. A long time ago I took the reigns to my dreams. I drove my own destiny and chose my own direction. Wanting a partner to share those reigns?That is a frightening thought indeed.Is it about control or letting go? Is it about getting to know you or letting you know me? I want one but not without the other.I took the reigns and expect them to do the same.How can I work so hard to drive things and they let time decide their future? Yes we only decide our destinies partially.It is all Allahs will but our hardwork is the dr...

Recently tired-ness is setting in.The smallest daily routinely things seem like such a chore. Endless travelling and keeping myself on the radar...continous and never-ending. It drives me yet tires me. It makes me strive harder but also zaps the very life out of me. The mind is perpetually in overdrive. It never rests-never stops thinking or takes a break. Its final rest place -its stop -the desired destination it seems...will accompany my last breath.

Where does it begin? Like a minute cell that multiplies , grows limbs and then takes form. When does this happen? When does an opinion truly formulate and reveal itself? When does the mind start to analyse this and understand that this is the way you think? This subconscious acceptance and trusting is fascinating.Why is my understanding so far apart from yours? Is it when you meet the first time or is it when you hear another describe them? What shapes your opinion?Can we take full credit for it?Is it based on how they present themselves or how you want to view them? Is it based on purely your understanding or a collection of others? When is an opinion truly ours and clean of outward influences?Is this even possible? A clean, purely individually conceived opinion! Where is it ?..I want to see it in all its reality - bare and exposed.

Love me as if I were dying. Tell me those things, That you will wish you had said. Love me as if I were dying. Take me places, Do things with me. Whisper, laugh Giggle and snort. What would you say to me, If you knew I was dying? Tell me now! Don't delay. Hold me close, now closer. Share with me as if I were dying. Show me those things, That you will wish you had shown. Share with me as if I were dying. Let's not think of why we can't! Let's find ways for us to do! Build memories today, For we may not have another. Love me as if I were dying. Hold me as if I were dying. Talk to me as if I were dying. Laugh with me... Laugh like we'll live for ever!

I am a wave amongst the billions gasping for the shore..I reach for my Allah..needing guidance once more. I am so weak it hurts my bones -they feel malnutrioned like they have been ignored.. Stress engulfs me..it takes me over. I struggle and break free only when you help me. Please forgive me..please forgive me..I need you desperately..not a second goes by without my needing you..your the reason for my existance and the reason I continue to breathe.I feel Allahs miracle work through me and around me..it is everywhere... SubhanAllah Allah I need you to regulate my behaviour, my faith and my understanding. My weaknesses outweigh my strengths and I struggle endlessly to build on the little knowledge that I have. Bless me with limitless strength to endure lifes trials as they head towards me.Help me appreciate what I have in my life with a greater passion. I am incredibly blessed but can only see what I lack. You bless me endlessly -with more and more and then..more again. Forgive my want...

I notice how your smile lights up your face. I notice a softness of the honest kind.. I notice how different from normal my observation is .... I notice how hardships have made you stronger I notice how you possess a silent inner confidence I notice how you are proud of what you have achieved I notice how generous you can be even when that generosity isn't reciprocated. I notice how different our lives have been and how different we are because of this. I notice how our differences could be positive. I notice how things are changing.. I notice how equations with people are now different I notice how you don't voice this increasing dis-comfort... I notice how when things have been asked.. no solid answers have been received I notice how those answers have been lost in interpretation-deliberately And I notice how this seems acceptable. I marvel at how ..while we don't acknowledge it... we're thinking it...

Intentions not to hurt or be hurt. Intentions to understand and be understood Intentions to help and be helped Intentions to connect and be connected Intentions to react but not cause a reaction Intentions to hear and be heard Intentions to smile and be smiled at Intentions to follow and be followed Intentions to be honest and receive honesty Intentions to find and be found Intentions to accept and be accepted Intentions to hold out my hand for you and be offered yours in return...

Is my honesty making me vulnerable? Vulnerable to the deception of another.They listen and understand what I want. They become that exact person.My requirements are what they show me. They become what I want. If they dress in my desires even though it is a false garb -they show me what I want..how do I then say no? How do I filter the real from the artificial when my perception is flawed.Flawed not by my inability to see the truth but my inability to see how my own requirements communicated in the flow of things-become anothers purest way to decieve me.

A face so perfect with glistening eyes. A softness around them of the honest kind. Interpretation is harder..I can't read between the lines..a speech so eloquent that it turns my instinct blind. A figment of my imagination or reality personified. A deep fear of trusting the unworthy and keeping myself well away. A want not to look back and regret if this day should slip away.

What am I looking for? How do I answer that question? Words are my ink.. Someone with the same values as myself both traditional and islamic. A concept of decency where respect is paramount irrespective of age, creed or gender. Where gender doesn't become a discriminating factor. As a woman my accomplishments are not overlooked just because his career is going places! I will be supportive but even in that role will have my own identity. I want to be in the position where living without him is not an option ...but is hoping for such a connection naive? Am I being skeptical because it always seems to happen to somebody else? Be happy for the ones who are blessed and the ones who are yet to be.. blessed? Age is but a number -why is it repeated and challenged? Does it make me a wiser person or you less so? If traditions chalk out a different route and I have chosen another ...why is this pointed out to me like a mistake? My choices at the end of the day -are exactly that -mine!They wer...

It comes and conquers. There is no choice with change -its yours if you want it and yours if you don't. It is my destiny and a host to my future. Why challenge it when its one of the only consistent things in life?

A hidden memory comes to haunt. I wake it in its embrace. What used to be mine isn't but still the thought makes me smile. A snap shot in time when everything was exactly the way it should have been-PERFECT.

When did I become this person... I used to hide behind anothers shadow but I don't need that anymore-I wasn't this self-reliant before. Continously trying to hide my weaknesses but am not scared of them showing anymore Needed another's advise to realise my aspirations because I wasn't this self-assured before. I was confused about what I wanted and now its crystal clear-this clarity wasn't mine before. Knowing oneself and being comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't this self-confident before. This self-worth and independace-this self-belief wasn't mine before. A clear line between dreams and reality -I wasn't this honest with myself before. A mental note to myself mid-conversation -I was never this aware before. A child's innocence making my faith stronger -I wasn't this spirtual before. A prayer in the middle of the night-I wasn't this philanthropic ever before.

A single ray of light breaks the darkness into a million pieces.Glass on the floor reflects it out and away.Far off into the distance a single ray of light becomes an ocean of sparkling water guiding lost ships on their way.